And even less sane is that despite the fact that my mentor partners are the most experienced, safest belayers I climb with; despite the fact that they can give me worthwhile feedback on my climbing and gear placements; and despite the fact that they wouldn't have spent years teaching me everything they know unless they really want me to succeed as a climber, I hesitate to take the lead, for risk of disappointing them, or screwing up. Over the years, I have lead countless pitches of climbing. A tiny fraction of those pitches is with one of my mentor partners on belay.

I haven't yet found a cure, but knowing is half the battle, right? Fessing up might be another quarter of the battle. During our trip home, talking about possible future trips, I admitted my self-diagnosis to Shawn, and said out loud that I'm afraid to take the lead with him because I don't want to disappoint him. I observed, "I'm going to have to get over that," and he responded,

"Yes, you are."

And we're both right. Just identifying the cognitive dissonance of the situation makes me feel like I can make more intentional choices in the future, with a better understanding of whether my fear and apprehension is rational or not in a specific situation. Accumulating positive experiences on lead with peer and newbie partners also can't hurt. Becoming more experienced and competent as a leader on my own will take me steps closer to being a peer partner with the guys and gals who have been my mentors.

To succeed in climbing, I have to risk failure. I have to risk embarrassment in the eyes of my mentors. I have to risk criticism and being chastised for a job not well done.

On the other hand, if I plan well, commit, think positive, and believe in my skills and capability I'm much more likely to succeed than fail, and that the risk of failure is worth the possibility of success. Putting that knowledge into action now, with my mentor partners on the dull end of the rope, will be one of my challenges for this climbing season. The best thanks I can give a partner like Shawn for his tireless tutelage is to get stronger and be more confident; to be a better climbing partner; and ultimately, to swing pitches on some long traditional classic so that he gets to enjoy some of the climbing and cleaning and I'm the one, finally, pulling up all that extra rope on belay.

What's the hardest head game for you? Climbing with newbies, peers, or mentors? Please comment on this blog.

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