Rhinestone Climber 

Does anyone ever feel this way besides me?

There I was a few weeks ago at the elegant, black tie annual dinner of the American Alpine Club NY Section, seated next to the guest of honor, Conrad Anker and just a dinner roll toss from Jenni Lowe-Anker. On my other side was Duncan, who entertained me with stories of climbing trips around the world and the last time he ice climbed at Ouray. Behind me were my friends Steve and Marcia Wunsch. (If Steve’s name doesn’t ring a bell: In 1974, he put up the hardest climb in the world, Supercrack, proclaimed at the time the world’s first 5.13.)

And there I was. A faux rhinestone climber in the midst of bona fide Tiffany diamond climbers.

Over the fennel soup, I tried to think of what to chat with Conrad about. I felt pretentious asking Conrad about his climbs. Besides, I bet he gets asked twenty times a day: Do you have any expeditions coming up? Are you going back to Everest soon?

So I fell back on asking how he balances the time demands of his family with those of his profession. He was very cordial and we chatted a bit about that, although it turns out that his eldest boy is now 20 and in college. Supervising spelling homework and packing school lunches aren’t big issues in the Lowe-Anker household.

Matters grew worse when Conrad and Jenni’s presentation started. I had thought of Jenni Lowe-Anker as a writer, artist, mom, married to Alex Lowe and now to Conrad Anker…but not necessarily as a climber in her own right. Humpf.

There was Jenni straightforwardly explaining her background – how she and Alex met and fell in love, accompanied to images of her climbing all over the world. I mean, serious climbing…The woman is a bona fide Tiffany climber in her own right. No doubt her background breaking horses as a teenager was good training for climbing. 

I didn’t spend my childhood on a ranch breaking horses and roaming in the great outdoors. I grew up in a small apartment outside New York City, a bookworm who spent her childhood in the library or playing chess. My parents’ idea of enjoying the great outdoors was watching the TV show, “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom,” in an air-conditioned living room.

I discovered sports in college, afterwards moving to Manhattan for my corporate career and becoming a scuba instructor and a shipwreck divemaster. Along the way, thankfully, I discovered climbing.

At that point, I hadn’t even hiked and didn’t even own a backpack. The first several times I went to the Gunks, I stuffed my harness, shoes and lunch into my book bag from junior high school. 

In the universe of bona fide Tiffany climbing – the one in which Conrad and Jenni inhabit – I’m not even a speck on the outermost region of the cosmic climbing map. My climbing exists in a different parallel universe – the one inhabited on weekends and retrofitted into job or family life. I’ve spent my corporate week vacation at crags across the U.S. but never had the cash, time or talent for extended road trips or attempting remote peaks.

In this parallel universe of moderate climbing, I’m perfectly adequate. When I lead I place bomber pro (too much of it); when I follow, I’m tough, good natured and determined (certainly nice traits in a second).