April Fools: Trump Makes Climbing Walls Great Again

Donald J. Trump announced plans to launch chain of Trump Tower indoor climbing gyms.

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Former casino owner Donald J. Trump announced today that he would enter the indoor climbing wall business, poised to crest $1 billion in revenue this year. Plans call for the construction of “Trump Towers” in Georgia, Nevada, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. “I’ve always been a strong supporter of walls,” says Trump, “strong walls. We have weak walls. My walls will be strong.

“Mexico is not going to build it, we’re going to build it,” says Mr. Trump, “and it’s going to be a serious wall. It’s not a toy wall like we have right now. Mexico is going to pay. It’s going to be a powerful wall. It’s going to cost $10 billion dollars. It’s going to go up so fast your head will spin.”

Texas attorney Ted Cruz, also eager to capitalize on the booming wall business announced plans to begin construction on a wall in south Texas. “We will build a wall,” says Cruz, who offered no additional details from his headquarters in Cancun.

Trump was quick to call Cruz a copycat. “People are picking up all my ideas, including Ted,” says Mr. Trump, “who started talking about building a wall two days ago. Fact is, they won’t get it built, they don’t know how to do the job, and they won’t get Mexico to pay for it.”

The first of a new chain of climbing gyms, coming soon to a city near you.
The first of a new chain of climbing gyms, coming soon to a city near you. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Not everyone believes Mr. Trump’s wall business will get off the ground. “With all due respect, it’s malarkey,” says Trump rival and president of Capitol Gyms, Joe Biden. “Come on, ain’t gonna happen.”

According to Mr. Trump, his walls will offer unique challenges because they can’t be climbed. Mr. Trump says he hired 20 “world class mountain climbers” to test a portion of a wall already partially built, but that none of them could get up it. “This wall can’t be climbed,” says Trump.

Still, Mr. Trump offers hope for would-be Trump Tower gym members. “When you hit a wall find ways to go under and over, but never give up! Get a balance, and then let the positive outdistance the negative.”