Funny: The Cave Beta

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From here, you're going to do a sort of simultaneous left hand drive through, right hand rose move.

From here, you're going to do a sort of simultaneous left hand drive through, right hand rose move.

Beta? No worries, dude. This bad boy was my project not too long ago, so I remember all the moves.

Definitely stick clip the first draw, maybe even the second. If you fall clipping that second one, you’ll brain yourself on that boulder. OK, now pull up onto those jugs and get your feet up high. You’re gonna want to get them both on your right, then you can bump for the better jugs up high. Nice work, looking strong!

So this is where the real climbing starts. Get that right foot up near your chest, see where all the rubber is? Push on that nubbin and reach out left for the rail. It’s good, just commit to it. Awesome work! Now get that other foot up near your chest and drop the knee. Such a sick move!

Right, so if you put both arms behind your head, you should be able to grab a double gaston. It’s not great, but it’s OK. Hang off that and wrap your right leg around the left side of your body. Way further than that. Even further still. Like, all the way around. Wrap it all the way around the left side until it’s back on the right side and then toe cam into that pocket. Perfect!

Now jam your thumb into that mono and yard on that thing, then cut your feet and rotate 450 degrees clockwise—the centripetal force is crucial—until you can reach the kneebar. You’ll know it when you get there, it’s covered in chalk and listed on Google Maps. Lock that left knee in good and tight and take a rest. Deep breaths, bro, deep breaths. If you can get a good brow scum on the roof, you might be able to get a no-hander here.

When you’re ready, flex your left rectus abdominis for tension, relax your calves, and haul out right for that jug that looks like Mussolini, then close your eyes and follow your heart back out left for the shallow pocket that feels like Phil Collins’s face, but inverted. Using that pocket, you can jam your elbow into your ear and stack your head against the far wall. You should be able to clip from there, and you might as well clip the four other draws you can reach while you’re at it. Safe as houses!

The next move was a long reach for me, so you might need some shorty beta. Either dyno for that two-finger pocket or do 700 intermediate moves to latch the crimp next to it, your choice. The crimp has been chemically sharpened and the pocket is full of scorpions, so it kind of depends on your style. Have you got an Epipen?

Oh, dude! You stuck it first go! That’s nuts. Nevertheless, you should drop off and practice that thing at least six more times. Gnarly flappers are the crux of this route, so it’s kind of dabs if you don’t have at least one. Anyone can do this route with finger skin.

Now grab those two slopers and compress the hell out of them, performing three full lateral rotations and finishing due east. Now raise your arse backwards toward the roof, and latch that fin with your butt cheeks. I’m a bit bigger than you, so I could only get a rattly crack scum, but you might be able to get a full cleft lock. Right on! That’s pretty much a rest for you! You should be able to clip easily from there.

Coming down? That was a mega burn, dude. You’ve got those first three meters dialed! Now you just have to get the other 15 cruxes nailed down. Don't worry, I know the beta.

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