Unsent: 100 Reasons Why We Climb

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Unsent /un-sent/ 1. To have failed so badly on a route you had previously climbed that you negate your redpoint. 2. A humor column.

100 Reasons Why We Climb

Photo: Andrew Burr

1. Hands had too much skin
2. Tired of being defeated by jars
3. Mountains nice and cool in hot summer months
4. Groupon had great deal on gym membership
5. Makes living in car cool, not sad
6. Combines passions for aluminum and nylon
7. Because it was there and had nothing better to do
8. Prefer rollerblading, but can’t stand constant ridicule
9. Internet not currently working
10. Thought it would give me beautiful flowing locks like Chris Sharma

11. Fun, and modern technology minimizes risk

12. Instagram likes
13. Always envied wind chimes
14. Find dirty “rack,” “jugs,” and “crack” puns endlessly funny
15. Tiny shoes make feet look small and cute  
16. Belay tests provide validation and sense of self-worth
17. To earn Dad’s respect (it’s not working)
18. Easier than climbing metaphorical mountains
19. Needed incentive to reduce body fat percentage
20. Love wearing Lycra ironically

21. Makes beer taste better

22. Beanie just looks better while bouldering
23. Chalky white hands make me feel like spooky ghost
24. Believe large, wing-like lats will allow me to fly
25. Inability to sleep past 2 a.m. perfect for alpinism
26. Want sexy ripped back muscles
27. Already had crag dog and figured might as well
28. Terrified of solid ground
29. Complements walking-with-crashpad hobby
30. Think the word “ballnuts” is hilarious

31. Curious what tendonitis felt like

32. Bocce videos weren’t using GoPro to its full potential
33. Can’t get enough failure
34. Into all sports where people condescendingly tell me to wear helmet
35. Will do anything that can be done shirtless
36. Striving for unrealistic standard of beauty set by Popeye 
37. Invested heavily in Black Diamond stock and need to bolster sales
38. Nothing good on TV since Breaking Bad ended
39. Boulders need to be put in their place
40. Makes hamburgers taste better 

41. Not compared to Spiderman enough otherwise

42. Live in Boulder, Colorado, so have no choice
43. Thought it would impress opposite sex (it’s not working)
44. Great way to rest between rope-coiling speed-record attempts
45. Love yelling commands
46. Sausage fingers fit well in cracks
47. Older brother can’t punch me when up on wall
48. Heard it might be in Olympics and want medal
49. Didn’t get picked for baseball team
50. Kicked out of yoga class and need place to wear yoga pants 

51. Had too much money and closet space

52. Thought gold might be hidden behind Texas Flake
53. To experience adrenaline rush and/or Zen flow state
54. Good training for American Ninja Warrior
55. Mom’s constant worry a nice reminder of her love
56. Trying to win 8a.nu
57. Wanted to experience pooping in a tube for myself
58. Didn’t know you could walk to summit of the Diamond
59. Want to be like hero: Sylvester Stallone in “Cliffhanger”
60. Finger cracks satisfy masochistic tendencies 

61. Think rocks are cool and like touching them

62. Quit golf and Stone Fort was right there
63. Love reminding friends to breathe
64. Thought lost wallet might be on top of desert tower
65. Only enjoy types 2 and 3 fun
66. Skills will come in handy if I ever need to escape from prison
67. Makes pizza taste better
68. Get weird rush when holding friends’ lives in hands
69. Engaging way to get fit that doesn’t feel like a chore
70. Going over cliffs quicker than walking around them 

71. Offwidth routes drain body of extraneous blood

72. Enjoy ethics debates on Internet forums
73. Modern society has made us soft or something
74. Curious if door frame could support my weight
75. Couldn’t make it to book signing, so followed Honnold up Half Dome
76. Great core workout for slacklining
77. Only way to replicate upside-down kiss from Spiderman movie
78. Love taking heavy pack on long hikes
79. Harness makes butt look great
80. Untangling rope like solving a fun puzzle

81. Wanted to try out life with chronic finger injuries

82. Saw Dawn Wall on news and thought, I can do that
83. Was in Spain and found history and culture boring
84. Crowded belay ledge a good place to make friends
85. Only way to make granola bars palatable
86. Determined to be in next REEL ROCK film
87. Get invited to a lot of children’s birthday parties at gyms
88. Pants too clean and free of hand prints
89. Deep water soloing cheaper than buying a pool
90. Striving for body shaped like upside-down triangle

91. Safer than BASE jumping

92. Front levers a fun party trick
93. Believe natural environments look better with white powder 
94. Only way to overcome fear of falling off cliffs we all experience in daily life
95. Inspired by favorite Nintendo game: Ice Climber
96. Black rope residue on hands makes me feel like tough auto mechanic
97. Dream of being called out in Unbelayvable column
98. Love sharing good times outside with good friends
99. Thought life of sponsored pro would be cushy and luxurious

100. Fucking love rappelling