Unsent: 100 Reasons Why We Climb

Unsent /un-sent/ 1. To have failed so badly on a route you had previously climbed that you negate your redpoint. 2. A humor column.

100 Reasons Why We Climb
Photo: Andrew Burr
  1. Hands had too much skin
  2. Tired of being defeated by jars
  3. Mountains nice and cool in hot summer months
  4. Groupon had great deal on gym membership
  5. Makes living in car cool, not sad
  6. Combines passions for aluminum and nylon
  7. Because it was there and had nothing better to do
  8. Prefer rollerblading, but can’t stand constant ridicule
  9. Internet not currently working
  10. Thought it would give me beautiful flowing locks like Chris Sharma
  11. Fun, and modern technology minimizes risk
  12. Instagram likes
  13. Always envied wind chimes
  14. Find dirty “rack,” “jugs,” and “crack” puns endlessly funny
  15. Tiny shoes make feet look small and cute
  16. Belay tests provide validation and sense of self-worth
  17. To earn Dad’s respect (it’s not working)
  18. Easier than climbing metaphorical mountains
  19. Needed reason to obsess over my body fat percentage
  20. Love wearing Lycra ironically
  21. Makes beer taste better
  22. Beanie just looks better while bouldering
  23. Chalky white hands make me feel like spooky ghost
  24. Believe large, wing-like lats will allow me to fly
  25. Inability to sleep past 2 a.m. perfect for alpinism
  26. Want sexy ripped back muscles
  27. Already had crag dog and figured might as well
  28. Terrified of solid ground
  29. Complements walking-with-crashpad hobby
  30. Think the word “ballnuts” is hilarious
  31. Curious what tendonitis felt like
  32. Bocce videos weren’t using GoPro to its full potential
  33. Can’t get enough failure
  34. Into all sports where people condescendingly tell me to wear helmet
  35. Will do anything that can be done shirtless
  36. Striving for unrealistic standard of beauty set by Popeye
  37. Invested heavily in Black Diamond stock and need to bolster sales
  38. Nothing good on TV since Game of Thrones ended
  39. Boulders need to be put in their place
  40. Makes hamburgers taste better
  41. Not compared to Spiderman enough otherwise
  42. Live in Boulder, Colorado, so have no choice
  43. Thought it would impress opposite sex (it’s not working)
  44. Great way to rest between rope-coiling speed-record attempts
  45. Love yelling commands
  46. Sausage fingers fit well in cracks
  47. Older brother can’t punch me when up on wall
  48. Heard it will be in Olympics and want medal
  49. Didn’t get picked for baseball team
  50. Kicked out of yoga class and need place to wear yoga pants
  51. Had too much money and closet space
  52. Thought gold might be hidden behind Texas Flake
  53. To experience adrenaline rush and/or Zen flow state
  54. Good training for American Ninja Warrior
  55. Mom’s constant worry a nice reminder of her love
  56. Trying to win
  57. Wanted to experience pooping in a tube for myself
  58. Didn’t know you could walk to summit of the Diamond
  59. Want to be like hero: Sylvester Stallone in “Cliffhanger”
  60. Finger cracks satisfy masochistic tendencies
  61. Think rocks are cool and like touching them
  62. Quit golf and Stone Fort was right there
  63. Love reminding friends to breathe
  64. Thought lost wallet might be on top of desert tower
  65. Only enjoy types 2 and 3 fun
  66. Skills will come in handy if I ever need to escape from prison
  67. Makes pizza taste better
  68. Get weird rush when holding friends’ lives in hands
  69. Engaging way to get fit that doesn’t feel like a chore
  70. Going over cliffs quicker than walking around them
  71. Offwidth routes drain body of extraneous blood
  72. Enjoy ethics debates on Internet forums
  73. Modern society has made us soft or something
  74. Curious if door frame could support my weight
  75. Couldn’t make it to book signing, so followed Honnold up Half Dome
  76. Great core workout for slacklining
  77. Only way to replicate upside-down kiss from Spiderman movie
  78. Love taking heavy pack on long hikes
  79. Harness makes butt look great
  80. Untangling rope like solving a fun puzzle
  81. Wanted to try out life with chronic finger injuries
  82. Saw Dawn Wall on news and thought, I can do that
  83. Was in Spain and found history and culture boring
  84. Crowded belay ledge a good place to make friends
  85. Only way to make granola bars palatable
  86. Determined to be in next REEL ROCK film
  87. Get invited to a lot of children’s birthday parties at gyms
  88. Pants too clean and free of hand prints
  89. Deep water soloing cheaper than buying a pool
  90. Striving for body shaped like upside-down triangle
  91. Safer than BASE jumping
  92. Front levers a fun party trick
  93. Believe natural environments look better with white powder
  94. Only way to overcome fear of falling off cliffs we all experience in daily life
  95. Inspired by favorite Nintendo game: Ice Climber
  96. Black rope residue on hands makes me feel like tough auto mechanic
  97. Dream of being in Accidents in North American Mountaineering
  98. Love sharing good times outside with good friends
  99. Thought life of sponsored pro would be cushy and luxurious
  100. Fucking love rappelling