Unsent /un-sent/ 1. To have failed so badly on a route you had previously climbed that you negate your redpoint. 2. A humor column.
Hello and thank you so much for visiting our newest Sendhaus™ Fitness, Lifestyle, and Climbing Center. My name is Rain and I’ll be taking you on your mandatory tour of our 130,000-square-foot facility. To begin, I’d like to show you our wall of iPads. Go ahead and use one to fill out a waiver. It only takes 20 minutes. Don’t worry about the emergency contact; just sign the part that says we’re not responsible for any injuries. Then slide your credit card. Yes, this tour costs an additional $5 on top of the $50 day pass. No, it’s not optional.
For a bit of history: This $100 million gym first opened in 2017, roughly six hours ago. We chose this location after a competing climbing-gym chain opened nearby. We assumed they did their due diligence in researching this market, then we opened our gym two blocks away out of spite. Can this market support two gyms? Good question. I’m curious if the market can even support one gym after the climbing bubble bursts. I guess we’ll see.
First, the espresso and smoothie bar. This is our barista, Quentin. We like to say he has a “PhD in mixology,” but really it’s an “MFA in creative writing.” Our espresso drinks are made with fair-trade, single-origin beans. Our smoothies are 100 percent organic, with fruits smooshed by hand. They’re available with any variety of protein powder. Whey. Cassein. Egg. Soy. Pea. Rice. Hemp. Cactus. Horse. Whatever’s trending. And we’ll even throw in a heaping spoonful of turmeric. We’re not sure what that is, but it’s highly regarded among bloggers.
Now, to our state-of-the-art locker rooms. We’re equipped with rain showers. Towel service. Dyson Air Blade hand dryers. Through this door is the sauna. Because this is a rock-climbing facility, you will only see attractive people in here. Next door, we run a full-service spa. The menu includes everything from dry needling to coffee colonics to sports massage. All of our spa services are very painful, which is why you’ll feel such great relief when they’re over.
Upstairs, you’ll find our weight room and yoga studio. The weight room features boxes, for box jumps. TRX straps to rock your core. Battle ropes for—well, we’re not sure, but they look cool when you wave them around, which is why you see them in Men’s Health. For our members, we also offer free yoga classes. Our yoga teachers have tattoo sleeves, blast hip-hop, and yell a lot, to give the classes an urban vibe. Research says this appeals to Millennials.
As we go down this hallway, notice our coworking area on the left. We provide chairs, tables, and Wifi, the minimum needed to call it a “work space.” This is intended for cool, creative professionals who would rather work in a crowded gym than at home on their own couch. Does anyone use it? Of course! We pose models for marketing photos here all the time.
Then, of course, our climbing walls. We offer 30,000 square feet of climbable surface. Our bouldering walls top out just higher than anyone should be comfortable climbing ropeless. And our topropes have auto-locking devices permanently affixed to them so anyone can climb with minimal training (belay tests require a one-time $100 fee). In total, we offer 100 topropes and 100 boulder problems. A quarter of the routes are sandbagged 5.13s/V10s our elite setters set just for themselves, while the rest are 5.6/V0 jug ladders for the birthday-party kids and first-date crowds. There’s nothing in between: Research has shown that our clientele is not interested.
Yes. We do technically offer that. We have two ropes available to borrow for our eight lead routes. For insurance reasons, you may not bring your own rope. If neither rope is available, you can put your name on a waiting list. This may take up to three months. Lead climbing also requires that you take our “Intro to Lead Climbing” class, taught every afternoon while you’re at work by our head coach, Lloyd. Cost: $300. He’s very experienced, and even once climbed outside.
Now, if you’re ready to sign up, our memberships start at a dirtbag-friendly $200 a month, with a one-time $100 initiation fee. I’m so sorry, no—we can’t waive the fee. It covers the cost of a minimum-wage front deskie entering your information into a computer, so my hands are tied. And between you and me, we’re trying to get as much of your money as we can before something else is declared “the new Crossfit.”